I wish I could make other people understand how much my anxiety effects my life on a daily basis. If other people understood maybe I would feel less guilty when I have to stop what I am doing and take some space, even when I am around people I love, so that I can calm myself. As much as I wish everyone could understand anxiety fully I would never want anyone else to have to experience the hard times. 
Some days I feel like my fiancé deserves so much better; he is so patient and tries to make me laugh as much as possible. I love when he tries to joke and lighten the mood 90% of the time but when my anxiety is high his jokes cause me more stress. When I try to explain that I can’t handle his jokes right now I get angry at myself. I feel so guilty for asking him to adapt to my mood constantly. 

Even though my fiancé doesn’t fully understand my anxiety he has taken the time to get to know me. He has learned what is helpful in situations and what isn’t. 

There are times that I actively try to push him away. When my anxiety and depression are really bad I tell him he deserves someone better or I will fixate on some detail of our relationship that I view as being detrimental in that moment. 

To my surprise he has never left, not even to go for a walk or a drive when I am in a bad place; he stays with me or close by and helps me work through my feelings. This man has heard me sobbing in the shower and gotten in with me just to hold me close and help me through an episode. He has take off his shirt and used it to dry my tears when I was crying in my car and didn’t have any tissues. My fiancé has brought me dinner from my favourite restaurant just to cheer me up when I have had a hard day. He has been there for me through anxiety attacks, periods of irrational anger, and ugly cries.

I hope that you, whoever you are, find someone who makes you feel like you deserve to be loved even when you are at you worst. Even when my dark thoughts tell me he deserves better, I know he loves me anxiety and all. 

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